All I know is that my experience with Cancer was hard and heartbreaking. But it was also one of the most profound events in my life in which I was privileged to experience the presence and love of God. The abundance of love, support and human kindness that I experienced and continue to experience due to Cancer has been humbling.
That very day that I was diagnosed I felt my spirit crumble into the depth of darkness. In that moment, an army of angels gently held me and loved me until the pain and fear subsided.
Cancer helped me open my eyes to the dimension of spirit, magic, possibility, the interconnection of every interaction and to the acknowledgment that there are no coincidences– only GOD-Incidents. I can write a book on the amount of miracles I’ve experienced. All my needs were somehow met: my family, friends and community showed up for me and poured love over me. The miracles from random strangers, children, nature, TV commercials, readings and billboards became symbols of hope and affirmation that I was safe.
Lesson 1: MIRACLES
Human beings are fundamentally good and generous. Cancer taught me this. It was through human beings that my dialogue with God and angels began. Every time I doubted or ventured into raw fear, a random stranger would smile or gave me a positive message that lifted my soul. I started witnessing miracles. Miracles are not typically a huge parting of the sea; they are subtler and quieter, but just as grand.
Lesson 2: LOVE
Allow God to do that work. I am not a medical doctor and not very good at understanding the complexity of the human body. I was not very good at science or biology. All I understood was that the cancer was bad and really bad mainly because it was Aggressive. Doctors told me that the three major factors that made the cancer so Aggressive were that I was young, fertile and healthy. I thought, “What? you mean to tell me that the 3 factors one hopes to have at 33 years of age are actually Killing me?”
These doctors had told me I would be administered very Aggressive medications that would KILL the Aggressive Cancer. The popular cancer survivor lingo was “Fight the Cancer!” All the Aggressive talk did not sit with me well, especially when I contemplated that the Aggressive Cancer was going to be Attacked by the Aggressive Medication and that I had to Fight the Cancer.
I said NO!
I have never been aggressive, and this feeling left me hurt and scared. I do not believe in aggression and fighting; it’s just not my nature.
I shrugged at all the Aggression and decided to LOVE.
I didn’t believe that the cancer was an intrusive attacker; it was a creation of my own body. It was a part of me and it was residing within me, so to hate the cancer was in many ways to hate myself. I couldn’t fathom one more negative thought or word directed towards me or my body. It was in that I KNEW all I had to do was love my body, and in doing so I had to love the rebellious misguided cancer. I opened my heart to the cancer. It was a part of me.
And with time, I learned to have a relationship with my cancer and held it in my heart like a mother would hold a scared child having a temper tantrum. I learned to hold all its rage and love it anyway. I started writing letters to it. I did not fight; I surrendered. I knew it was a battle I could not fight nor wanted to be a victim to, so I little by slowly learned to establish a cohabitation, a peace treaty and peaceful farewell.
I could not align myself with war. All I could do was LOVE.
Lesson 3: FAITH
“Healing Does Not Mean Cured”
This was one of the first messages I received by my healer, Dr. Issac Gorens at Toa House. I did not like hearing this statement, especially since I was determined to defy the medical establishment that was telling me Stage IV Cancer was not curable. I was not open to hearing anything that was not affirming the possibility of being cured.
And then he said to me, “you can possibly be cured and not healed.” It was then that he explained that my medical situation was a symptom to an emotional, spiritual or karmic wound that was depleting me of my life forces and making me sick.
Dr. Gorens and I discussed that the purpose of the soul was to heal and transcend. The body was irrelevant; it will die when it is meant to die. Fate is fate. One can not stop this fate. However, one can heal, and as one heals, the deepest level of the soul healing could possibly result in the desired cure.
I had to face many, many fears and one of the biggest fears was that could I wholeheartedly believe in a Cure even though all the brilliant medical doctors, research and wise ones had said and say, “No Cure for you.” I thought, Could I transcend all of the barriers, expert knowledge and fears? What I was being pulled to do was to step into the realm of FAITH. Could I let go of the fear and walk and embrace FAITH…Blind Faith?
Working with Cancer on a Spiritual level soon stopped being about the cancer and weather I was going to live or die. Soon, it became about deeper levels of my being. It pushed me to see how deep I could go; if I was strong enough to release the fear and free-float into the path of the unknown, gripping the power of blind faith. I didn’t know where I was going, but I trusted that in the end all would be and is OK. All is good, all is really unknown and all we can rely on is faith.
Photo credit: Flickr User “Flower’s Lover”