Here’s what happened when I surrendered

floating-water-relaxing-womanI stopped hating, blaming, and obsessing. I stopped hating what was happening, hating what I was thinking, hating what I was feeling. I stopped blaming myself, and I stopped all the “why me’s” – I stepped into magic by trusting and laughing. As a result, the right doctor came along, a kind nurse took care of me, crucial information was revealed to me, an abundance of resources became available to me, a tremendous amount of love was poured over me. I was granted the deep inner knowing that a cure was possible for me.

Keep in mind that during the year of chemo, the tumors often resisted the medication. Prognosis was bleak. It was by the grace of God that I was given the ability to increase my faith when the outward manifestation seemed grim. It became clear to me that I was powerless. Surrendering became the natural state. I had to learn to let go of a timeline of when I would go into remission, what the future was going to look like. All the “hows” and “whens” and “wheres” became emotionally exhausting and unmanageable. Eventually, I took each day “one day at a time,” letting go of the outcome. I thought, “Yes, I may get cured, or I may pass. Either way, I trust that my soul is going to be okay.”

And on a random Tuesday, not expecting anything other than a blood test, the news was revealed: the cancer is gone.

The life lesson of this experience is that surrendering is a lifelong journey of letting go. The instinct is to hold on and control, and the practice is to simply let go – from as insignificant as ordering your latte to surrendering into the last breath of this life.

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